Between You and Me
The followers of Jesus in the 1st Century lived together in what today we would term an intentional community. They held all things in common. They supported one another, worked together, ate together, played together…but sometimes they weren’t one big happy family. The word translated “sins against you” is harmonton. It occurs three times in Matthew’s Gospel. Here, when Peter asks Jesus how many times to forgive, and when Judas confesses his betrayal.
Harmonton is not just a matter of sinning – it is a word that means getting it wrong. Jesus says, “If someone does something that is off the mark – gets it wrong – and what they do really is a betrayal, something that threatens the community, something that ruptures your relationship, take them aside and talk about it.”
Sounds simple, right? Someone hurts your feelings, steps on your toes, cuts a little too close with their words, doesn’t show concern, wasn’t there for you…and what do you do? Jesus knew what we were tempted to do – talk about it. Not with that person – with someone else, a trusted confidant.
You know what she did? Plain as the nose on my face, I was speechless. I could not BELIEVE it. And then, we talk about it with another someone else…she sure did. Yep, you wouldn’t have believed it. Completely and utterly ridiculous. Speechless. UNBELIEVEABLE.
Or maybe the conversation goes like this: He is so full of himself, something has to be done, what did he think he was doing? I could not BELIEVE it. And then we talk about it with another someone else,…He is out of control. Some of us are going to have to work behind the scenes to keep him from just railroading whatever he gets in his mind to do. UNBELIEVABLE.
Now here’s the thing: she may be acting completely out of line and he may be completely out of touch. But, talking to other people about it doesn’t help the situation.
Jesus says, if you have a member of the community who is doing something that is damaging to community, go talk to him or her about it. Be honest, be direct, be loving and seek to repair and prevent further damage to the community.
Forgiveness isn’t about setting the record straight – it is about strengthening the good in our relationships with other people. And forgiveness doesn’t at all mean ignoring what has been done or labeling something good that was not. Forgiveness means that the thing that has been done is no longer a barrier to the relationship. It does not mean, necessarily, that reconciliation has taken place. It just means that what has happened between you is no longer a barrier.
How does that look every day? Let’s pretend, this is just imaginary, that your family doesn’t always get along. Maybe there is a husband-wife, or a parent-child, or a sibling relationship that has had an issue. Let’s just imagine that you were the person who got hurt or irritated or mad.
When whatever happened happened, you had a few options:
- Ignore it, and decide to get over it. The problem with this solution is that the relationship might continue, but it will continue the same, with two slightly separated people who have no chance of being whole again. And, not speaking from experience or anything, but if you say nothing, chances are that the other person will act the same way again.
- Talk to someone else about it. The problem with this solution is that you have created an alliance with the person you did talk to against the person you are irritated with…and now the divide is even greater, not addressed, and, again, not speaking from experience or anything, but now you feel justified in your irritation.
- Go to the person who offended you. Tell them what they did and how it made you feel. Ask them to join you in making it right.
If the person doesn’t see that he or she did anything wrong, then, Jesus says, go beyond a “just between you and me” approach. Get another member of the community or two to join you in talking with him or her. If the person still doesn’t listen, take it to the whole community…the whole group that is being hurt by what he or she is doing…and if the person still refuses to listen, then Jesus says, “treat the person like you would a pagan or a tax collector.”
In other words, they are no longer a member of the community. Jesus called tax collectors. Jesus ate with sinners. Jesus welcomed pagans. Jesus loved them all. But, they weren’t part of the community until they accepted change in their lives and lived intentionally as part of the community.
Two authors that I respect a great deal on this subject because of their own experiences are Desmond Tutu and Dietrich Bonhoeffer.
Desmond Tutu was an Anglican archbishop in Cape Town, South Africa and a chairman of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission in South Africa. He said, “Forgiving and being reconciled are not about pretending that things are other than they are….True reconciliation exposes the awfulness, the abuse, the pain, the degradation, the truth. It could even sometimes make things worse. It is a risky undertaking but in the end it is worthwhile, because in the end dealing with the real situation helps to bring real healing.”
Dietrich Bonhoeffer taught during the rise of Nazi Germany in an underground seminary and later was martyred for his faith. In 1939 he wrote a book about community titled, “Life Together.” In it, he addresses the importance of addressing it when someone does something wrong, “Nothing could be more cruel,” he wrote, “than the tenderness that consigns another to sin. Nothing could be more compassionate than the severe rebuke that calls a sister or brother from the path of sin.”
A lot of times, we don’t want to say anything because we think it’s not our place. We will ourselves to just smile and move on…and avoid that person from now on. But, eventually, so will everyone else…and that person will be left to wonder why no one has anything to do with him or her anymore. It is more compassionate to take the risk and go and talk directly, honestly, lovingly, and with a desire to repair your relationship and prevent further damage to the community.
Because if the person hears you and is sorry, it can lead to change. That change will affect not just their heart, but yours too. It’s a miraculous thing that happens, a new bridge is built between you.
Thanks be to God. Amen.