Jesus’s Instructions for Conflict Resolution
This passage with Jesus teaching the disciples how to live in relationship with one another, is in the middle of a longer section of teaching. To more fully understand what Jesus is telling us, we need to zoom out and take a look at the whole conversation. It begins with the disciples asking Jesus, “Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”
Jesus calls a child to him and says unless you become like this one, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. What we know about children in Jesus’s time is that they were not the treasured, protected, valued members of the family and of society that they are today. Children were weak and vulnerable; socially, they had the same status as a slave – they were valuable property, human tools for their masters.
The disciples ask which of them, the closest circle of Jesus’s companions, was the greatest. And instead of choosing one of them, Jesus reaches beyond them, out of the circle of the crowds, all the way down to a child, so far outside the circle “it” would have been considered a non-person.
Then Jesus warns them about causing one of these little ones to stumble in their faith and says, “See that you do not despise one of these little ones.” And he tells a parable that is now familiar to us, “If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? 13 And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. 14 In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should perish.”
That is when Jesus says, ““If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.” The context for teaching about conflict resolution is in answer to the question “Who is greatest?”
When we are in conflict with one another, we need to remember God’s desire to find and bring back the wandering sheep…and to be as humble as a child who knows they are nothing more than their master’s tool.
The first step, says Jesus is to go and have a conversation, just the two of you. Not to check with a mutual friend. Not to text the friend group to see if anyone else thinks what they have done is wrong. Not to post on social media about it. Not to apply the silent treatment. To go. And talk. In person. Address it kindly and directly. If they listen to you, says Jesus, you have regained them…just like the lost sheep, and you have reason to celebrate!
If not, take one or two others along to listen, to be witnesses, not a back-up chorus. This goes back to Old Testament when Moses is setting up how the community will function. One witness is not enough to decide that someone has done something wrong. Every witness is going to tell what happened from their perspective. So, you need two or three witnesses to convict someone. Referees do it all the time in sports. If they are not sure of the call, they check with the other refs…and now, if the coach doesn’t agree or someone else tells coach that they saw it differently, they can challenge and the refs looks at the game footage from multiple camera angles. That’s why if you can’t settle a dispute just between the two of you, you bring in other people, to offer their perspectives.
If they still refuse to listen – if they don’t listen to you, and they don’t listen to the witnesses’ perspectives…and they still refuse to listen Jesus uses a different word than the Greek word for listen that he uses the first two times. This time he says if they are…para-akouo – beyond hearing – if they just put their hands over their ears and “LALALALA” then tell it to the assembly of the faithful. If they also refuse to listen to the assembly, THEN, says Jesus, treat that person as a Gentile and a tax collector.
THIS is where this passage gets interesting. We know the wisdom of addressing something person-to-person, and that triangulation only makes a disagreement between two people more messy. We know how helpful it can be to have someone to mediate and offer a different perspective. And, we know that sometimes people just refuse to listen and change. So, we might be fairly satisfied when Jesus tells us we get to treat that person like a Gentile and a tax collector.
When I was in 3rd grade, we had these reading comprehension cards with a little story on one side and questions on the other. We had a certain number we had to do every week in our “spare time” when we had finished our other work. I was not interested in doing them. There were consequences for not doing them – first you had a note home, then a phone call, then you stayed after school, and then you went to the principal’s office and were spanked. The second week of school I started the process – note home. Week 3, phone call. Week 4, stayed after school. My mother was not happy. What was I thinking not doing them? If I didn’t do them next week I would go to the principal’s office and get spanked….and my response was, “Yes, and then we will be done.” That was the last consequence that I had been told. So, if I endured the steps, I was done.
We might be tempted to think that is what Jesus is saying with someone who is a difficult person for us. One-to-one, a few witnesses, before the assembly, and then DONE.
BUT that’s not what Jesus is telling us – look how Jesus treats Gentiles and tax collectors. Jesus is accused of eating with Gentiles…of even going to their homes and eating food they have prepared. Remember this is in Matthew’s Gospel – Matthew!, Jesus’s disciple who was a tax collector when Jesus called him to be a disciple. Gentiles and tax collectors are like the one sheep out of the 99. Jesus is not saying that we get to give up on them. Jesus is saying we have to try even harder.
Then we have this difficult to understand promise that “Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.” Except when we pay close attention to the verb tense, what Jesus really said was whatever you bind on earth is being bound in heaven and whatever you loose on earth is being loosed in heaven…in other words, it isn’t what we do that impacts what is done in heaven…when two on earth agree about what they ask for, it is God who is guiding their agreement. For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” When we pray for guidance, when we seek to do God’s Will and we get together and when agree, then it is God’s will revealed to us and we can move past our conflict.
Living in community is going to involve conflict. We are sinners…every one of us. We all do things that hurt one another. But, when we listen, when we come together and seek agreement, Christ is here, with us.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a Lutheran pastor who was a resister of the Nazi movement in Germany, wrote a book about Christian community, called “Life Together.” In it he wrote, “It is easily forgotten that the community of Christians is a gift of grace from the kingdom of God….Therefore, let those who until now have had the privilege of living a Christian life together with other Christians praise God’s grace from the bottom of their hearts. Let them thank God on their knees and realize: it is grace, nothing but grace, that we are still permitted to live in the community of Christians today.”
At this table, the Body of Christ comes together to remember the grace of our Lord. Rev. Thom Shuman, a Presbyterian pastor, wrote these words of preparation for coming to Communion. I invite you to join me in reflecting on them: To pause and take a breath, and listen.
When we would feed on our bitter brokenness,
you would offer us the Bread of reconciliation.
When we would grasp the Cup of peace,
and drink it to the last drop,
you whisper, ‘offer some to those you don’t like.’
Liberating Spirit, as we come to this Table,
we would be filled with you! Amen.